assertiveness today
"Assertiveness training" was popular in the 70's and 80's. The concepts are still valid today, and the behaviours can be helpful in negotiation. It's worth having another look.
Here are some statements about what “being assertive” means. See to what extent you agree with them and how often you behave in these ways.
• Respecting myself, that is, who I am and what I do - and respecting other people.
• Taking responsibility for myself: that is, for how I feel and what I think and do. For example, “I feel angry when you put me down” is more assertive than “You make me feel angry when you put me down”.
• Recognising my own needs and wants as an individual person: that is, separate from what is expected of me in particular roles.
• Making clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think. For example, “I feel uncomfortable with this decision”, “I think that it is a good idea to draw up a plan of action”.
• Allowing myself to make mistakes: that is, recognising that sometimes I will make a mistake and that it is OK to make mistakes; and being prepared to put them right without blame.
• Allowing myself to enjoy my successes: that is validating myself and what I have done, and sharing it openly with others.
• Changing my mind, if and when I choose to, having paid attention to reasons, evidence, and new situations.
• Asking for ‘thinking it over’ time. For example, when people ask me to do something and I need time to consider whether or not to do it, “I would like to think it over: I will let you know my decision by the end of the week”.
• Stating what I want, rather than hoping someone will notice what I want and moaning later that I didn’t get what I wanted. (Asking for what I want does not always mean insisting on getting it).
• Setting clear boundaries. For example, “I know that you would like me to visit you, and thank you for inviting me. I am however unable to come this weekend and would like to visit you later in the year”.
• Recognising that I have a responsibility towards others, rather than being responsible for others. (As adults we have responsibility for and towards our children, which is different from having responsibility towards each other as adults).
• Respecting other people’s right to be assertive too.
Here are some statements about what “being assertive” means. See to what extent you agree with them and how often you behave in these ways.
• Respecting myself, that is, who I am and what I do - and respecting other people.
• Taking responsibility for myself: that is, for how I feel and what I think and do. For example, “I feel angry when you put me down” is more assertive than “You make me feel angry when you put me down”.
• Recognising my own needs and wants as an individual person: that is, separate from what is expected of me in particular roles.
• Making clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think. For example, “I feel uncomfortable with this decision”, “I think that it is a good idea to draw up a plan of action”.
• Allowing myself to make mistakes: that is, recognising that sometimes I will make a mistake and that it is OK to make mistakes; and being prepared to put them right without blame.
• Allowing myself to enjoy my successes: that is validating myself and what I have done, and sharing it openly with others.
• Changing my mind, if and when I choose to, having paid attention to reasons, evidence, and new situations.
• Asking for ‘thinking it over’ time. For example, when people ask me to do something and I need time to consider whether or not to do it, “I would like to think it over: I will let you know my decision by the end of the week”.
• Stating what I want, rather than hoping someone will notice what I want and moaning later that I didn’t get what I wanted. (Asking for what I want does not always mean insisting on getting it).
• Setting clear boundaries. For example, “I know that you would like me to visit you, and thank you for inviting me. I am however unable to come this weekend and would like to visit you later in the year”.
• Recognising that I have a responsibility towards others, rather than being responsible for others. (As adults we have responsibility for and towards our children, which is different from having responsibility towards each other as adults).
• Respecting other people’s right to be assertive too.
posted by joanna howard @ 2:32 pm
2 Comments:
At 8:50 pm ,
Anonymous said...
I've often wondered what assertiveness means and your behavioural examples helped clarify e.g. I feel angry instead of you make me angry. Thanks for this - great help.
At 3:19 pm ,
Anonymous said...
I try and be assertive in everyday life, however, I feel I am more gently assertive! Some of the examples, I think, have a fine line between being assertive and being arrogant. I agree completely with what is said in the article but am just pointing out that a lot depends on the individual and how it is put accross. Maybe there should be positive assertiveness and negative assertiveness!
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